


when I find love again

by emilia_kaisa



Series: blunt challenge [6]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Not Beta Read, all is good in here no misery, that should be a tag smh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29365983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Javi rarely wakes up before Yuzuru.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: blunt challenge [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138568
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	when I find love again

**Author's Note:**

> I got a bit rusty with that kind of fics but I hope it's acceptable hah

Javi rarely wakes up before Yuzuru.

He usually sleeps through all Yuzuru's alarms, unfazed by him moving around the room and collecting his things, although he's not trying to be extremely quiet. When he's done and ready to go, he sits on the edge of the bed and cards his fingers through Javi's hair until he wakes up, and then he kisses Javi on the cheek and whispers that he will see him soon.

Javi whines and stays in the bed for a couple minutes longer and then forces himself to move, wandering naked to the kitchen where he usually finds a fresh pot of coffee or a toast, Effie fed and curled on one of the chairs, purring contentedly.

He rushes through his morning and enters the ice two or three minutes before the training is supposed to start, Yuzuru already there and smirking at him, raising his eyebrows mockingly. It's both annoying and a turn on, and they usually end up making out in some corner during one of the breaks, and on most days Yuzuru comes with him, a pattern, a lovely routine they both grew into.

But today, Javi wakes up first.

Yuzuru looks so vulnerable when he sleeps, sprawled on his stomach, one arm tucked under a pillow and mouth slightly open. His hair is mussed up and the sheet he has been sleeping under, now bunched just below his waist, revealing the smooth skin of his back and just the top of his ass, and Javi grins, a pleasant heat running through his body as he recalls events of the night.

Yuzuru rarely stays over during the weekends,, the days dedicated to his carefully scheduled school and homework plan; but sometimes he makes exceptions, and it always fills Javi with joy, because he likes the lazy ease of these days, when they can sleep for a little longer, fool around in the bed before eating a late breakfast together, smiling and relaxed.

Careful not to startle Yuzuru, Javi leaves the bed and goes to the bathroom where he brushes his teeth and washes his face; later in the kitchen, he feeds Effie and makes tea in two thermal mugs before going back to the bedroom and sneaking into the bed again.

Yuzuru mumbles something in his sleep and Javi is torn between wanting to kiss him and letting him sleep. He settles for something in between, gently placing his hand on Yuzuru's hip, stroking soft skin with his thumb. Yuzuru sighs and nuzzles into the pillow, and it's so nice to be able to watch him like that. He's usually so focused, during training, even sometimes during sex, when he just puts his mind into something and all Javi can do is just to let him fulfill whatever he's determined to chase. He's always in a rush, always having something to do, and Javi treasures moments like that, quiet, unrushed, in which his heart seems to be growing, filling him with courage that maybe someday will allow him to say what has been on his mind for quite some time now.

Yuzuru's eyelids flutter and he blinks at Javi sleepily, eyes blurred and clearly not fully registering what’s going on. He looks adorable and Javi can’t stop himself this time- he leans in and presses his lips to Yuzuru’s, muffling his little surprised groan. He kisses Javi back after a moment, sloppy and uncoordinated, and there’s something so incredibly sexy about that, when he lets himself just be pliant, not trying to control everything around him. 

“Good morning to you too.” Yuzuru mumbles when he pushes back, just enough to catch some air, his lips still only an inch or two from Javi’s “You changed your toothpaste.” 

“Wow, of course you noticed.” Javi snorted, pressing one more kiss to Yuzuru’s lips before pushing himself up into half-sitting position and reaching for the cups, handing one to Yuzuru who’s slowly changing his position as well.

“Thank you.” Yuzuru sighs, giving Javi a blinding smile before taking a sip, careful not to burn his tongue like the last time, something that made him whiny and pouty for the whole following week.

Javi bites back a grin as he watches Yuzuru’s face brighten up, the last remains of sleep draining off of his face.

“It’s the jasmine one? I thought I finished it the last time.”

“I went shopping.” Javi shrugs, tasting his own drink “You know I have the whole shelf in the kitchen filled with tea mixtures and some weird spices.”

“They’re all necessary!” Yuzuru insists, elbowing him lightly, and Javi laughs, and then his heart skips a beat as he seizes a moment to finally bring up what he has been thinking about for the last couple of weeks. 

“You know, you have a shelf in the kitchen, maybe you would like a drawer too? I can make it two.”

He’s trying to make it sound casual, not to let out how much it means to him and how much his heart is fluttering, so it feels almost like a slap to the face when he sees how Yuzuru stiffens suddenly, his fingers gripping the cup in the way Javi knows so well; he has seen him like that before countless times, when Yuzuru is stressed or anxious, and it definitely doesn’t mean anything good.

Javi opens his mouth and then closes it, not sure if he wants to turn this situation into a joke or ask what’s wrong, so he turns his gaze away from Yuzuru and looks down at his knees covered with the rumpled sheet in the color of cornflower.

The silence grows heavy, charged with their quickened breathing, and Javi regrest bringing that up, feeling stupid. They had such a nice thing going on, casual and fun, and of course he had to mess up, because he always ends up wanting more, because he’s so idiotically greedy he can’t just be happy with what he has-

“Do you mean-” Yuzuru starts awkwardly, taking a break to clear his throat “What does it mean?”

Yuzuru isn’t stupid and he understand very well, and Javi can’t help but think that he’s giving him a way to untangle all of that, say that it’s a joke and move on. And Javi is just a heartbeat away from doing that, until suddenly he realizes that he can’t. He can’t keep on pretending that he doesn’t want more, even admitting that will make it fall apart. 

“It means that I want you to have your drawer in here. Or a shelf in the wardeobe, whichever you prefer. And a place for your toothbrush, and your toothpaste if you don’t like mine-”

“Javi.” Yuzuru cuts into his rambling, voice quiet and serious, and Javi knows that he has to own up to what he said and what he’s feeling.

So he takes a deep breath, puts his cup away and looks at Yuzuru who’s watching at him with one of these expressions Javi still hasn’t learned how to read. 

“Well it means that I like you a lot. And that I would like this-'' Javi makes an odd gesture, pointing both of them and regretting that instantly, feeling awkward but alos determined to finish “- I would like us to be more.”

Yuzuru blinks.

And then he draws back, almost falling from the bed in a hurry to get away, and the rejection is so clear Javi doesn’t know how to react. So he only sits there, his hands gripping the sheets as he watches Yuzuru pull his clothes on. He is in a rush and he clearly grabs the first things he can find, which turn out to be his pajamas that were discarded last night carelessly. So at least right now he doesn’t plan on running away outside, not that it makes Javi feel better. Yuzuru throws him a nervous glance before leaving the room, his bare feel pacing the floor quickly. 

Javi doesn’t move for a moment, feeling odd, his chest full and head empty, and the bubble only breaks when he hears cupboards in the kitchen being open. And with that, Javi feels annoyance creeping into him. Seriosuly, Yuzuru doesn’t even want to talk about it and now is calmly preparing breakfast? That Javi won’t have, so he gets up quickly, grabs the pair of sweatpants that has been hanging on his office chair, and he puts them on before taking a deep, calming breath and tells himself that if he started it, he has to finish it, and make sure they can still look at each other afterwards.

He walks into the kicthen in a bit of a battle mood, so he stops dead in his tracks when he sees that Yuzuru isn’t making breakfast but collecting stuff from one of the shelves and packing it into a plastic bag.

“What the hell are you doing?” 

Yuzuru flinches and turns around, and this time his expression is unguarded and Javi’s stomach clenches, because this isn’t the usually collected, sure Yuzuru. He looks torn, and quite upset, and Javi didn’t expect that, so he doesn’t know how to react, his fists clenching and unclenching nervously.

“Um, this is my stuff.” he says finally, pointing at the little box Yuzuru is holding.

“You don’t like it.” Yuzuru says, a little defensive “So, so I thought-'' he stammers and Javi sighs, adrenaling that has been circling in his veins disappearing and leaving him tired and just… sad.

“Yuzu, what the fuck.” he sighs, stepping closer and taking the box out of Yuzuru’s hand and then taking his hand. Yuzuru doesn’t oppose, but he doesn’t look at Javi either, his head turned to the side and eyes just a little bit glassy.

Javi swallows hard, and knows that he has to make it right, or at least attempt to, because he can’t have Yuzuru looking at him like that, or not looking at him at all. 

“Listen, it’s okay.” Javi murmurs, even though his wildly beating heart begs to differ “And I’m sorry I brought that up so… abruptly, but I’ve been thinking about it and that’s what I want. I want you, and I want more, but if you don’t want it, it’s okay.”

He brings his hand up to touch Yuzuru’s chin, gently forcing him to look at him.

“I’m sorry.” Javi says softly “I get it came out of nowhere, I just… don’t be mad at me, okay?”

“I’m not mad.” Yuzuru says so quietly it’s almost a whisper.

He takes Javi’s hand, the one that has been touching his face, and links their fingers together, looking down at both their joined hands. He looks troubled, chewing on his bottom lip and avoiding Javi’s eyes yet again. 

“When did you… start feeling like that?” he asks quietly and Javi hesitates, because he hasn’t really thought of it before. It was natural, like another step in that special relationship they have, but apparently it’s only him. 

“I’m not sure.” he says, and his voice cracks a little so he tries to cover it with a chuckle, and Yuzuru finally looks up at him, eyes wide vulnerable.

“Does it mean you love me?” he asks in a small voice and Javi gasps, surprised by the directness of the question.

Does he? And does he dare to confess it? 

He looks at Yuzuru and takes him in, that face he has been watching for the past four years, these shining eyes and lips he kissed for the first time almost twelve months earlier. He does love him, in more ways than one, and he only now realizes how much and what it means, exactly.

Yuzuru inhales sharply and it brings Javi back to reality. Yuzuru is still waiting, but Javi doesn’t think his words can bring any good now. So he only smiles, honestly, and leans to kiss Yuzuru’s forehead. 

“Leave me that jasmine tea, okay?” he whispers before taking a step back, his hands slipping from Yuzuru’s grip. He’s feeling embarassingly close to crying, and he doesn’t want to make any pitiful scene.

“I’ll be right back.” he mutters, turning around and walking to the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned to the door.

He feels a spike of regret piercing through him, because just half an hour before everything was going great, but then he of course decided to mess it up. But that’s for the better, probably, because with time it would probably get much harder. 

Maybe he’s cursed, in a way. Maybe it’s just not for him to find his only one, no matter how hard he tries. 

He doesn’t hear Yuzuru until he stands in front of him, and Javi flinches, looking up at him and seeing his serious, solemn expression. 

“You didn’t answer my question.” he says with just a hint of accusation, and Javi shrugs, his throat clenching unpleasantly.

“Does it matter?”

Yuzuru sighs, and to Javi’s utter surprise- he kneels down, putting his hands on Javi’s thighs to steady himself, warmth of his palms immediately seeping through the fabric of Javi’s pants.

“I don’t know what to do.” he says quietly “It’s scary.”

“I’m sorry for-”

“No.” Yuzuru shakes his head, and Javi notices how calm he looks all of the sudden, as if he made his decision already, and that Javi is going to hear it in a moment.

“Don’t be sorry, for loving me.”

It’s so unexpected Javi gasps, surprised, and that actually makes Yuzuru smile a little.

“I didn’t answer that question.” Javi mutters dumbly and Yuzuru’s smile widens, turning softer, and yet still there’s something anxious in the way he looks at Javi.

“You did.” he says, one hand coming to take Javi’s, the other touching his face cerefully, as if he isn’t sure if that’s a right thing to do “It’s all here.” he murmurs, his thumb brushing tender skin under Javi’s eye.

“Oh.” Javi breathes out, not sure what to do, not prepared for something like that. He has already started making peace with the fact that Yuzuru wasn’t one the same page as him when it came to taking their relationship to another level, and now he can’t help it, but there’s just a bit of something akin to hope making its way to his heart.

“But I’m scared that someday you won’t love me anymore.” Yuzuru says and Javi’s chest aches “And I never… felt like that.” 

He sounds so vulnerable, and there's still that certain kind of anxiety in his eyes, something Javi hasn’t seen in him before. And doesn’t want Yuzuru to feel that way, so he reaches to touch him, caressing his temple before tracing the soft cheek with his fingertips before resting his hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder. 

It’s dawning on him now, how big of a thing it has to be for Yuzuru too. For someone who has never really been in a relationship and has all these doubts that are only fueled by the fact that they train together and compete against each other. And Javi has more experience, and he wonders if Yuzuru is thinking about it, wondering if that would end like Javi’s previous relationships. And Javi doesn’t want that, because it’s serious, and he’s serious about Yuzuru, more than he thought, and he has to be honest with him.

“I wish I could promise you everything.” Javi says quietly, managing to control his voice well enough for it not to tremble “But I can’t. I can only promise you to try and be my best for you.”

Yuzuru nods slowly, and bits on his lower lip before taking a deep breath, his eyes turning sure, almost determined. He pushes himself up, still holding Javi’s hand, and then hesitates for a second before moving to sit in Javi’s lap, making him gape a little with surprise, his heart starting to pound.

“I don’t know much.” Yuzuru says, running his fingers through Javi’s hair before putting both hands on his shoulder “But I know you. I know your heart. And I believe you, Javi. And also…” Yuzuru hesitates again, looking almost shy as he leans forward and presses his forehead against Javi’s, his breath warm against Javi’s lips “I know you’re the first thing I think about when I wake up. That’s new. And weird.” he laughs shortly, his fingers curling nervously before he blurts out “I think it might be love, too. But I need you to let me figure that out.”

“Okay.” Javi whispers, too much in awe for fancy speeches “That’s… yes.”

“Yes?” Yuzuru asks and Javi nods vigurously, his hands coming to rest on Yuzuru’s hips, keeping him close just to be sure he’s not going to run away again.

“Very yes.” he says and then he smiles, feeling something warm and bubbly forming inside him, a soothing contract to what he has been feeling during the last hour “Do you think I could kiss you?” he blurts out and Yuzuru grins, locking his fingers behind Javi’s neck.

“Only because I like your toothpaste.”

“Okay.” Javi laughs, shaking his head “I will take that.”

“But I like you more.” Yuzuru says, his tone solemn and yet warm, and Javi smiles again.

“I will take that too.”

Yuzuru laughs, and leans in to kiss him, but he stops just as their lips are about to meet, separated by mere milimeters.

“But I want two drawers.”

“You can have them all.” Javi says before finally, finally kissing him, and for the next one to two hours he plans on doing absolutely nothing else.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
